PS

And a PS to my last post: I'm officially going back to my days of drinking only black coffee in the morning. I obviously can't handle eating a goddamned apple. So, coffee for breakfast, and bring a dollar at lunch for a re-fill. Get home, drink green tea or more coffee. Eat most of whatever mom cooks, or else she gets upset and on my case. Then, turn on the exercise TV and work out for an hour or two. And drink some more coffee.

Great.

This makes me miserable because I'm empty... But I only feel pretty when I'm empty...

Happiness with an undercurrent of feeling hideous, or tiredness while feeling hot. Hm. I chose option 2. Cause I'm an idiot like that.

Fuck me.

No, seriously, don't. I'm asexual, and that would be horribly scarring, not to mention completley triggering.

Ha, fuck, I need a damned trigger right now. But not one attached to a gun, that would make the Boy quite sad.

And no, I'm not a walking contradiction. People can be asexual and still seek out a love life. Just cause I don't want sex doesn't mean I don't want to love and be loved.

Wow, what a random shit topic to bring up on my ED blog.

Anyway... Today was... FUCKING awful. I know I'm PMS'ing when I binge on chocolate. Which I did. So, great. My weight will be higher, between all the chocolate I ate tonight and my uterus filling with watery blood. Not that it matters, since I rarely weigh myself any more.

I guess I should start again. But it always makes me feel really bad, and it always ruins my day or makes my day, and I don't want to be controlled by a stupid digital number. But while my lack of desire to know my weight has led to me feeling better about myself, it has also led me to gaining weight... (I can see it in the mirror, in my thighs and body and my arms.) So it made me feel better, but made me feel worse... Aw fuck. If I'm going to feel terrible either way, I might as well feel bad and be losing weight than feel bad and do nothing about it!

So, today was going so great. I had an apple for breakfast, 80 cals. Went through my school day, lots of walking around the art room (we stand during my entire class- that's 90 minutes of me standing and walking and, when I'm supposed to stay in one place, be doing tiny squats so nobody but me notices) and then after school, I talked to some friends for a good hour, then hung out with my boyfriend (he had a meeting, so that hour I was talking I was also waiting for him.) Walked him home, then walked myself home, and that's a three mile trip with my 25 lbs of books/ art supplies. I got home around 4:45 and had another apple, (160 so far) because I was feeling rather famished. But then, I felt hungrier after eating the apple. So, I fucked myself over and ate a slice of this bread (50) with chocolate stuff on it (60, because there wasn't much left of it) and a handful of nuts on top (64; 174 for the whole thing. Which is a total of 334.) And then all those carbs and all that fat got into my bloodstream, making me crave more. I wanted to eat a bowl of cerial, but I stopped myself and waited until dinner, which was grilled pork chops, mashed potatoes, broccoli, and apple sauce. Which was a dinner total of 390, which leaves me at 724.

724 for an entire day? Yeah, I had already fucked myself over. But then I made it worse.

1 ice cream sandwich (140) 6 cookies (300) chocolate chips and a fun sized hereshy bar later (200)...

I have ROYALLY fucked myself over.

Fuck me....

I wish that Blogger had an app.

Seriously. My life would be so much easier.

Anyway... I'm a fatty. Entering a Halloween weight loss contest though.
http://skeletonstrong.blogspot.com/p/halloween-weight-loss-contest.html

And also trying to get skinny for 11-11-11. One date that occurs once every 1,000 years... If I don't look fab, I'll know that I fucked up the once-in-1,000-year opportunity.

CBMI- 20.7 (fucking gross)
GBMI1- 20 by Octover 4th
GBMI2- 19.5 by October 10th
We'll see if I can do that much...