Found my old diary...

I remember how miserable I was when I finally got my BMI to 18 8 months ago. I was so depressed and I was cutting and I was making life hard for myself and everyone around me. It sucked and I was unhappy and I do not want to go back to that. I was also like LEGIT insane. The stuff I wrote was utterly nuts.

I told my BF about how I've been eating only 300 cal a day and he didn't respond. I'm so scared. He's sleeping now but. Um... Anyway.

So after going all day on 0 calories, and eating donna and ring a good golden girl and eating no more than 280 cals today, I read my old diary, which I just told you about, and I ate as much as I sensibly could over the course of three/ four hours. Small portions of calorie dense food. I'm now up to about 900-1000 for my intake today... And I feel bad but better at the same time... Sigh.

It's just so hard to know what's right and what's wrong. This is like the fith time I relapsed. I use my ED as an emotion dimmer so I don't get upset and it's really easy for me to go from feeling nothing to feeling happy... Even if the happiness is short lived. It makes me feel like I'm doing something right for once, somehow, despite that I know how very wrong it is.

I don't know... I'm just rambling now.

It's so depressing, my writing. I'll upload some photos now of my diary... It's seriously messed up.

x- bottomfeeder

Edit:
Emma- I love you. You're always there, responding to my blog entries no matter how whiny I am. Thanks for caring.. :')

Fucking water

I can lose and gain the same 6 lbs in the course of 5 days and 2 days. If I drink only 5 glasses of water for one stinking day it all comes back but it takes a week to lose it again.

Joined Calorie Count. Not telling them that I'm not healthy, since they all told me to eat 2,200 to maintain and 1,500 minimum to lose. What the hell... I can't even eat 900 without getting the worst stomach cramps...

Blargh. What's new with you guys?

World gone to shit.

My friend was sexually abused today by her ex boyfriend. She fell asleep on his bed, because they were hanging out and she took allergy meds that made her drowsy, and she expected to be respected but he still likes her and she woke up to him groping her and pinned her arms down and put his lips on hers. I'm like, fuck, I didn't expect this to ever happen, it's bad enough for this shit to have happened to me but this is something Iaybe could have prevented and now it's too late! Not to mention that her stepdad is moved back in with her, since he was admitted from jail, which he was in for trying to strangle her mom.

And my best guy friend's mom keeps trying to kill herself and he has to talk her out of it. He's totally freaked out. His mom disowned his two half sisters today for no discernible reason and he's so scared.

And I think my best friend's little sister is bulimic. She goes to the bathroom with a weird excuse after every time she has eaten something. And she looks thinner... She was fat before... Ugh.

Not to mention that my boyfriend is trying to discuss our plans for college and moving in together when we're in the middle of 11th grade. Not that I mind, but it's so stressful because he's looking at it so realistically. And he wants to move to Pittsburg. Which is a 7 hour drive from where we live now!


Why has the world gone to shit today?

I'm so sad

and I don't know why.

:'(

I really really want to bleach strips of my hair and dye them pastel blue.

I wish my hair was still long! I can't believe I let that MINDFUCKPSYCHOBITCH cut my prized possession off! UGH UGH UGH UGH FUCK MEEE

I WANT MY GODDAMNED HAIR TO GROW THE HELL BACK!!

Ahem.
Sorry.

But yeah. So that's what's up with me.

Oh, and today I ate like a cow. All week, I've gotten away with being between 150-300 calories total, but today I just... Idk. Started out good... I slept over my friend's and so I was obliged to eat brunch, which was a slice of whole wheat oat bread that we made from scratch, and then... We made candy sushi, which is rice crispy treats and chopped up Swedish fish and fruit rollups. Low cal and yummy ahaha.

She had me take some home though... Sigh. That's where I fell apart. I ended up having six pieces total, and there's 2 swedish fish in each roll, and probably 2 rollups in 6 whole pieces. And blah, that's already 200-something cals and blargh.

Then I had a banana and two apples and pretzels and Chinese food (not a lot of the Chinese food though, and it was chicken&broccoli) and a biscut and a chocolate covered pretzel and a brownie and two cups of tea... And cranberries... And a slice of pumpkin-filled something with cream cheese icing and ice cream.

Sigh.

Idek how many calories that all is, and I'm not sure that I want to know.
No, I KNOW that I don't want to know.
Idek if I should weigh myself tomorrow at all.

SIGH.

How are you girls doing? You feeling happy or are you stressed or... Just like, what's new and stuff?

Pleateu?

Grr. I've maintained a steady weight for the last two days. My scale said less the very first time I used it this morning, but since then it's been saying what it said yesterday. The average weight, from all the times I weighs myself today, is no different.

Sigh.

I got so excited to see a different number, too...

I've had a GREAT week so far.

So, in the last three days, I've lost four pounds. This makes me feel ridiculously high! I usually start binging after eating less than 300 cals a day, but yesterday was 286 (I got really hungry right before bedtime and really dizzy, so I ate a banana which added another 109 calories) and I burned off 558 from going on a lovely, long stroll with my boyfriend :D

Today, I didn't need that banana, so I'm at 186 calories. I only walked one mile today, but I drank 10 cups of liquid (mostly water, secondly coffee, and some tea) and well, from this morning's weigh in to tonight's weigh in, I lost 1.5 lbs! Which is totally WEIRD. But it happened somehow.... I checked and double checked many times. Craziness.

Although I don't feel AS estatic, now that my dad told me that when I walk I sound like a herd of elephants... T~T
But I'm still REALLY happy <3

Can't wait to see the number on the scale tomorrow morning! Good night.

Ps: how have all of you been? Are you happy?

BMI 21... Sigh.

Today I weighed in at a BMI of 21. This is the highest I've ever been before and my clothes barely fit. And I mean just barely. My jeans are ripping!! One if them, well, I made the mistake of doing yoga in them, and now they're unwearable because there is a HUGE split down the ass. And I have been trying to be healthier about how I lose weight... Eating breakfast, lunch, dinner, and having snacks. Having a caloric intake of 1200. But it just doesn't give me the same high as being hungry and cold.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, that I really miss the days when I was losing weight quickly and my jeans were baggy on me.

So here I am, back again.

Did you miss me? No, of course not... But I certainly missed you <3

Lost

All the promises I made,
Just to let you down
You believed in me but I'm broken

I have nothing left
And all I feel is this cruel wanting
We've been falling for all this time
and now...
I'm lost in paradise

January 4th, 2011

i still have this picture...
this is me...
that is my leg...
the scars are so humiliating whenever i go swimming :(