Today is his birthday

Well, today is my boyfriend's birthday. He's away for the weekend, though, camping with the boyscouts. Uuuggh. But he turns 17 today so, wish him a happy birthday, people!! I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Or am I?

Lol sorry for the random. I'm really tired. Went to bed at like 4 am (I was baking some yummy dark chocolate chip cookies!) and my dad woke me up at 7:45 eew. It's about 8:10 now, and I'm probably going to go for a walk soon. I've recently been walking for at least an hour, just weakly up and down the streets around my house. I creeped out the one neighbour who saw me walk past their house like 20 times but oh well. I guess I should actually go somewhere so I don't have neighbors complaining to my parents cause I kinda don't want them to know. I can burn 500 calories per hour when I walk with a backpack on :)

Anyway. I've been doing pretty good food-wise. Idk if I've lost weight cause I didn't wanna weigh myself the last few days but I think I might look a bit slimmer? (I probably gained weight lol how awkward is that.) But I've been having less than 400 calories and then walking enough to burn an extra 600 (I walk for more than an hour <3 ) so yay~ TMI: I haven't pooped in three days though and uugggh I hate weighing myself if I haven't gone #2 because it adds fake weight to the scale so it could look like you've gained 1 lb when really you haven't! Bleh.

I'm going to go to the fabric store today and buy a pattern to make something cool for my boyfriend :) I'm excited to be sewing again :D

So anyway, you two deserve a response, Leigha and Emma :)

Emma: Thank you for always being there to comment on my posts <3 I feel so loved by you, you help me through the day sometimes when I see that I have one new comment from my lovely Emma :)

Leigha: <3 Hello! Eating healthy never ends well for anyone with an ED, as far as I know, so we aren't freaks at least, in that sense... And yeah, Anafly is SUCH a talented writer. You should totally follow her because her posts are really worthwhile. If you related to that one, you'll love her as much as I do :)

Well. I think I'm going to clean the dishes from the cookies from last night, then shower and go for a walk. And then go to the fabric store with my mom, if she's up for it... Idk, she got an infection in her tooth and her face has swollen up painfully so she might not want to go out today... I wouldn't be mad, I totally understand. I wouldn't honour with MY face swollen. She needs a root canal. Poor mommy <\3

I hope you all have a wonderful day today!

Anafly's "You'll Never Know"

Eating disorders are diseases of silence. We are all silently screaming for something: attention, love, help, escape or forgiveness. Although we might be looking to fill different voids, we never ask for the things we need. We feel unworthy, that for some reason we don't deserve them. So, we play the game of guess what I need from you. You're inability to guess just feeds our feelings of worthlessness.
When you finally realise there is a problem, it is much too late. We will now fight, lie, and cheat to hold on to the one thing that has given us support. You see the symptoms, weight loss, weight gain, or depression. You watch us starve, eat, purge, and isolate. You tell us to eat or not eat, to sleep or to get up and do something, you can't understand why we can't just get better.
If it were only that easy! Some of us have been living with this, like this, for half our lives or more. We honestly believe it is the thing holding us together. Even when all others see it as the thing that's making us crumble to pieces. It is not just a part of us, but it has become us. It is our identity and who are we without it? Many of us are afraid to find out. Fearing without it we are nothing.
It becomes our sole companion. It is the thing that makes us strong, so that we don't need, don't want and don't feel. It is our cape of invisibility. With it on you can not see us, you can not see our pain and shame, we begin to disappear. Slowly at first and then before you know it we are gone. Lost in a world of pain. Always fighting for control that we never seem to get.
In the beginning the control is easy and the high from it incredible. I can not eat for 4 days, I can exercise for 4 hours a day, or I can throw up everything I eat. I am in control. But somewhere along the road we lose that control and the eating disorder takes on a life of its own. We no longer control it. It controls us. We wake in the morning hearing it's voice and can't sleep at night because that voice is too loud.
We stop listening to anybody except our eating disorder. We believe we are fat, useless, unworthy, unlovable, and weak. We honestly believe that losing weight will on some level make things better. We wake up with thoughts of food; they consume us all day long, and often cause sleepless nights. It becomes all that matters. We listen to the voices that constantly tell us we are not good enough, thin enough, strong enough, a little more and then we can stop. But there's always a little more and it doesn't stop.
You may see us hurting ourselves and not understand; we do not really understand either. We know we must lose weight. We know we must punish ourselves when we feel guilt and shame. We use laxatives, exercise, sleep deprivation, and self-mutilation to take away the pain. Many of us get to the point where the pain is too much and the road so long, we decide it is just not worth it. Since we have no worth, the world will not miss us. If we could just disappear, the pain would go away and we would no longer hurt others with our problems.
Death becomes a way out. Can't live forever with an eating disorder, can't live without it. It becomes the question we will ponder for many, many years before having a definitive answer. Do I want to live? Why? Our reasons not to live may seem mundane to someone without an eating disorder. You can not feel our emptiness or understand our loneliness. We can't share this world of silence we have made for ourselves. It is the thing that may have saved us in the past and might kill us in the future.
You look at the consequence and can't imagine why we would do this to ourselves. We are losing our hair, rotting out our teeth, bleeding when we throw up or even just brush our teeth, dizzy, tired, dehydrated, malnourished, and mentally unstable. And at some point these things do scare us. The first time throwing up blood, passing out cold or being admitted is an eye-opening experience, but not usually enough to stop the behavior. Some of us might even see these consequences as reinforcement that we are succeeding at something. Look, I'm really good at being eating disordered!
To give that up would be giving up a piece of us that we aren't sure we can live without. It is with us in the morning, telling us to get on the scale for the first test of the day. Even if the number is down it's never good enough. Then taking a shower where we close are eyes because the sight of ourselves is so disturbing. Next is finding something to wear. This can take hours because nothing fits right and everything feels tight. After all of this it's time for breakfast? No way we can eat after that disappointing morning.
The day goes on in the same manor. Nothing is good enough, nothing quite right. So we push our selves to eat less, run faster, dance longer, whatever we are doing we must be the best. Then comes night, where the distractions of the day aren't there to drown out the voices. Sleep is difficult when thoughts of hopelessness, self-hate, failures and suicide ruminate for hours. So instead of trying to sleep many of us spend endless hours on our computers, exercising, reading, cleaning, anything to avoid sleeping. We eventually sleep usually for just a few short hours, and then the cycle begins again. Only now we have to beat the day before, weigh less, eat less, do more. By our side our faithful coach and partner filling our heads with criticism, demands and insults.
Although we say we hate the voices and the disorder. We don't hate it all. We love the high of seeing the number go down. We long for that empty, numb feeling that comes with starvation. We thrive on what begins as compliments and turns to worry about our weigh loss.The disorder is the thing that makes us feel strong and special, while at the same time letting us disappear and run away from life.
We will say we don't want your help. Sometimes because we are in denial and actually believe things are fine, sometimes we feel guilty receiving help, because we feel unworthy, and sometimes it has just gone on so long that we have given up hope and accepted that "I will live with this until it kills me".
When we say we don't want your help, those are the times we need it the most. We need you to stand up for us when we can barely stand, love us when we hate ourselves, hold our hope when we feel hopeless, and never give up on us, the way we give up ourselves.
We will push you away. We will make you angry with us. We will tell you we don't need you and to leave us alone. We will throw temper tantrums and even throw food. We will close up and lock you out. We will blow off important appointments. We will do the things we've been told we can't, exercise, chew gum, drink Diet Coke,we will push every limit. We do not do these things to hurt you; we are just scared and feel threatened. You want us to give up something we can't imagine living without.

-The Anafly; theanaflyyy.Blogspot.com

Well, that was short lived.

Uhh... I gained so much weight from eating "normally." I feel better but I am so fat that it cancells out how happy I am with how hideous I feel/ look.

Idk what to do any more.

I really want to attempt eating normally. So. Idk. I guess I'm starting today. I had half an apple for breakfast and 100 calories of chocolate my friend gave me. I might buy soup at lunch or something. Maybe. Or I'll panic and not do it. 130 so far, it's 12:27. I ate 1,000 yesterday because I ate more after my post. I'm trying, I really am. I'm so scared of being miserable and crazy again. I don't wanna go back to that. :(

Edit:
I had nothing for lunch, but I got home around 5:30 and ate some peanut butter on the ther half of my apple, another small apple, cereal with 2% milk, and peanut butter on 3 ritz crackers topped with cranberries and honey. Black coffee and two cups of water to wash it all down. Total: guessing around 550? Plus breakfast, it'd be 670. I'm okay with that, except it still hasn't digested and it's 7:10 and my mom wants me to eat dinner. I want to eat dinner, but not quite yet. I'd much rather wait another hour... My tummy is really full...

Found my old diary...

I remember how miserable I was when I finally got my BMI to 18 8 months ago. I was so depressed and I was cutting and I was making life hard for myself and everyone around me. It sucked and I was unhappy and I do not want to go back to that. I was also like LEGIT insane. The stuff I wrote was utterly nuts.

I told my BF about how I've been eating only 300 cal a day and he didn't respond. I'm so scared. He's sleeping now but. Um... Anyway.

So after going all day on 0 calories, and eating donna and ring a good golden girl and eating no more than 280 cals today, I read my old diary, which I just told you about, and I ate as much as I sensibly could over the course of three/ four hours. Small portions of calorie dense food. I'm now up to about 900-1000 for my intake today... And I feel bad but better at the same time... Sigh.

It's just so hard to know what's right and what's wrong. This is like the fith time I relapsed. I use my ED as an emotion dimmer so I don't get upset and it's really easy for me to go from feeling nothing to feeling happy... Even if the happiness is short lived. It makes me feel like I'm doing something right for once, somehow, despite that I know how very wrong it is.

I don't know... I'm just rambling now.

It's so depressing, my writing. I'll upload some photos now of my diary... It's seriously messed up.

x- bottomfeeder

Edit:
Emma- I love you. You're always there, responding to my blog entries no matter how whiny I am. Thanks for caring.. :')

Fucking water

I can lose and gain the same 6 lbs in the course of 5 days and 2 days. If I drink only 5 glasses of water for one stinking day it all comes back but it takes a week to lose it again.

Joined Calorie Count. Not telling them that I'm not healthy, since they all told me to eat 2,200 to maintain and 1,500 minimum to lose. What the hell... I can't even eat 900 without getting the worst stomach cramps...

Blargh. What's new with you guys?

World gone to shit.

My friend was sexually abused today by her ex boyfriend. She fell asleep on his bed, because they were hanging out and she took allergy meds that made her drowsy, and she expected to be respected but he still likes her and she woke up to him groping her and pinned her arms down and put his lips on hers. I'm like, fuck, I didn't expect this to ever happen, it's bad enough for this shit to have happened to me but this is something Iaybe could have prevented and now it's too late! Not to mention that her stepdad is moved back in with her, since he was admitted from jail, which he was in for trying to strangle her mom.

And my best guy friend's mom keeps trying to kill herself and he has to talk her out of it. He's totally freaked out. His mom disowned his two half sisters today for no discernible reason and he's so scared.

And I think my best friend's little sister is bulimic. She goes to the bathroom with a weird excuse after every time she has eaten something. And she looks thinner... She was fat before... Ugh.

Not to mention that my boyfriend is trying to discuss our plans for college and moving in together when we're in the middle of 11th grade. Not that I mind, but it's so stressful because he's looking at it so realistically. And he wants to move to Pittsburg. Which is a 7 hour drive from where we live now!


Why has the world gone to shit today?

I'm so sad

and I don't know why.

:'(

I really really want to bleach strips of my hair and dye them pastel blue.

I wish my hair was still long! I can't believe I let that MINDFUCKPSYCHOBITCH cut my prized possession off! UGH UGH UGH UGH FUCK MEEE

I WANT MY GODDAMNED HAIR TO GROW THE HELL BACK!!

Ahem.
Sorry.

But yeah. So that's what's up with me.

Oh, and today I ate like a cow. All week, I've gotten away with being between 150-300 calories total, but today I just... Idk. Started out good... I slept over my friend's and so I was obliged to eat brunch, which was a slice of whole wheat oat bread that we made from scratch, and then... We made candy sushi, which is rice crispy treats and chopped up Swedish fish and fruit rollups. Low cal and yummy ahaha.

She had me take some home though... Sigh. That's where I fell apart. I ended up having six pieces total, and there's 2 swedish fish in each roll, and probably 2 rollups in 6 whole pieces. And blah, that's already 200-something cals and blargh.

Then I had a banana and two apples and pretzels and Chinese food (not a lot of the Chinese food though, and it was chicken&broccoli) and a biscut and a chocolate covered pretzel and a brownie and two cups of tea... And cranberries... And a slice of pumpkin-filled something with cream cheese icing and ice cream.

Sigh.

Idek how many calories that all is, and I'm not sure that I want to know.
No, I KNOW that I don't want to know.
Idek if I should weigh myself tomorrow at all.

SIGH.

How are you girls doing? You feeling happy or are you stressed or... Just like, what's new and stuff?

Pleateu?

Grr. I've maintained a steady weight for the last two days. My scale said less the very first time I used it this morning, but since then it's been saying what it said yesterday. The average weight, from all the times I weighs myself today, is no different.

Sigh.

I got so excited to see a different number, too...

I've had a GREAT week so far.

So, in the last three days, I've lost four pounds. This makes me feel ridiculously high! I usually start binging after eating less than 300 cals a day, but yesterday was 286 (I got really hungry right before bedtime and really dizzy, so I ate a banana which added another 109 calories) and I burned off 558 from going on a lovely, long stroll with my boyfriend :D

Today, I didn't need that banana, so I'm at 186 calories. I only walked one mile today, but I drank 10 cups of liquid (mostly water, secondly coffee, and some tea) and well, from this morning's weigh in to tonight's weigh in, I lost 1.5 lbs! Which is totally WEIRD. But it happened somehow.... I checked and double checked many times. Craziness.

Although I don't feel AS estatic, now that my dad told me that when I walk I sound like a herd of elephants... T~T
But I'm still REALLY happy <3

Can't wait to see the number on the scale tomorrow morning! Good night.

Ps: how have all of you been? Are you happy?

BMI 21... Sigh.

Today I weighed in at a BMI of 21. This is the highest I've ever been before and my clothes barely fit. And I mean just barely. My jeans are ripping!! One if them, well, I made the mistake of doing yoga in them, and now they're unwearable because there is a HUGE split down the ass. And I have been trying to be healthier about how I lose weight... Eating breakfast, lunch, dinner, and having snacks. Having a caloric intake of 1200. But it just doesn't give me the same high as being hungry and cold.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, that I really miss the days when I was losing weight quickly and my jeans were baggy on me.

So here I am, back again.

Did you miss me? No, of course not... But I certainly missed you <3

Lost

All the promises I made,
Just to let you down
You believed in me but I'm broken

I have nothing left
And all I feel is this cruel wanting
We've been falling for all this time
and now...
I'm lost in paradise

January 4th, 2011

i still have this picture...
this is me...
that is my leg...
the scars are so humiliating whenever i go swimming :(

Blah

Been losing really quickly... Made me pretty happy this morning, even though instill feel really fat. Sigh. I hate how I replace any negative emotion I feel with the word fat...

Whatever...

Anyway... Um... I should update more ahahaha. Would anybody read my blog if I updated a few times a week?

Follow my Tumblr! Bleedingdry.Tumblr.com

Sick

Oceans between us
And there's nothing that can change the way I feel
I can still taste the poison
Every fall, every breath are ways to heal

Hold on, little girl
The end is soon to come

Sick of it all, Sick of it all
We will not follow
Sick of it all, Sick of it all
They don't understand how
Sick we are, Sick we are
Of this bottomless pit of lies
Behind closed eyes

Someday you'll know the feeling
Someday i will break through
And nothing you tell yourself
Will save us from the truth
Screaming out

Cutting

I miss it I want it I need it.
Can't have it can't have it can't have it.
Missitwantitneedit.
Canthaveitcanthaveitcantcantcant.

Uugh.

I hate insomnia. I always get really depressed at night when everyone's asleep but me. Just reminds me if what a freak I am and how alone I am.

Diediediediediediediedie why can't I please just die?

If anyone knows an awesome way for me to hurt myself that doesn't leave a mark (therapist/ doctors are up my arse all the time)don't feel bad about telling me... It'd really really help me right now.

Posted the same thing on the A/M C but idk what else to say. I'm so fucking lonely and sad right now. I just want to cry and cry and cry but I never, ever can, so now I really needneedneed something that'll make me hurt bad... I need to fucking forget my anxiety/ sadness and feel something else PLEASE! oh god! Please...

Yom Kippur fast

Definatley not my first fast, just dobbins of you people are disillusioned. I fasted the entire summer, too, on only water, for 3-5 days twice a month or more. I also went vegan/ raw foods/ vegetarian for weeks at a time. I got pretty skinny. But the actual fasting really hurt so whenever I broke a fast I got really sick, and now I don't really like fasting as much. The Boy agrees, ge thinks I seem really miserable when I fast. The thing is, I'd feel miserable but I'd also feel skinny... I felt so perfect! It healed me for a long time... I had good body image for the first time in a decade, and I ate healthily/ normal amounts when I was not fasting.

But anyway, it's Yom Kippur now, and since my father's side of the family is Jewish, my dad asked me to fast with him. I was, at first, really excited to fast again. But then I got upset because I've only been eating an apple, a serving of veggies, a serving of protien, and coffee for the past week or so, and I can't drink my damn coffee when I'm fasting. (Right now, caffiene withdrawal, it is really sucking.) But I have to remind myself that it's for my religion... It's for forgiveness... And it's only until m dad's birthday party tonight at Sundown. So yeah, I can live 24 hours with food. It's really only 100 calories that I'm used to having that I cant have today, since apple=breakfast and coffee= lunch. So I shouldn't be too upset... Idk why, but I feel mad about it... Eh whatever...

Is anybody else experienced in fasting/ Jewish? :)

Good day/ bad day

Yesterday was so awesome. I burned so much because I stayed up all night drawing and standing and drinking black coffee. Sigh. So today, to reward myself for doing so well the last few days, I had an eat whatever I want day. Today was dreadful. I had a banana (usually it's an apple but whtv) and my mother's home cooked dinner as usual, but then I also had a Greek yogurt, a brownie, two cupcakes, and a slice of home made pumpkin bread. And a bowl of high calorie cereal with real milk since we are out of almond breeze. It was terrible. But my excuse was that I needed the energy, which I did since I pulled another all nighter because my friends were being assy and they came over at 9 pm and didn't leave until 3 am ~_~ Sigh.

Well I'm tired. Night.

26 lbs in 26 days challenge.

Actually, I have no idea how much I weigh right now. If I’m still underneath the 5 lb mark, it’s 22 lbs in 26 days. But if it’s above the 5 lb mark… Like my last digit in my weight is 6-9, I’ll aim for the 26.

Why, you ask?

Because I met this skinny bitch who’s a year younger than me and therefore in the grade below, and she flirts with my damn boyfriend. He’s mine you bitch.

My friend asked her how tall she is, and she’s like 1/2 an inch smaller than me. But she weighs 20+ LBS lighter!! What the fuck?! Her BMI is frikkin 17 which has ALWAYS BEEN MY GOAL BMI UUGH!!! And she’s pretty! She has short hair that she dyes, like me, except hers is shorter and dyed more.

I feel so fat and stupid next to her. And I also feel really protective of my man. Even if he assures me that he doesn’t like her. Pisses. Me. Off. I want her to un-meet all of my friends.

But the thing is, she’s a lot of fun. Everyone loves her.
So, she’s like me, but better. But perfect.

And that is why I’m doing the 26 in 26 challenge! I guess I’ll either just restrict and do cardio, or I’ll do the ABCD. I hate the ABCD though. Oh well

Good day yesterday

So that was my intake/ calories burned for yesterday. I walked for five hours! I'm happy lol. Oh, and it was fun yesterday because I got a bunch of really pretty hair clips. They're longer than my own hair is, but they still look awesome. Feathers and roses :) I got feather earrings too. Maybe I'll upload a pic and show you people.

Today, it's only 11:25 am but I haven't eaten anything. My dad's taking my family and I on a walk today, though, and it sounds like we'll be active all day long, so anything I do end up consuming I'll hopefully burn off!

PS

And a PS to my last post: I'm officially going back to my days of drinking only black coffee in the morning. I obviously can't handle eating a goddamned apple. So, coffee for breakfast, and bring a dollar at lunch for a re-fill. Get home, drink green tea or more coffee. Eat most of whatever mom cooks, or else she gets upset and on my case. Then, turn on the exercise TV and work out for an hour or two. And drink some more coffee.

Great.

This makes me miserable because I'm empty... But I only feel pretty when I'm empty...

Happiness with an undercurrent of feeling hideous, or tiredness while feeling hot. Hm. I chose option 2. Cause I'm an idiot like that.

Fuck me.

No, seriously, don't. I'm asexual, and that would be horribly scarring, not to mention completley triggering.

Ha, fuck, I need a damned trigger right now. But not one attached to a gun, that would make the Boy quite sad.

And no, I'm not a walking contradiction. People can be asexual and still seek out a love life. Just cause I don't want sex doesn't mean I don't want to love and be loved.

Wow, what a random shit topic to bring up on my ED blog.

Anyway... Today was... FUCKING awful. I know I'm PMS'ing when I binge on chocolate. Which I did. So, great. My weight will be higher, between all the chocolate I ate tonight and my uterus filling with watery blood. Not that it matters, since I rarely weigh myself any more.

I guess I should start again. But it always makes me feel really bad, and it always ruins my day or makes my day, and I don't want to be controlled by a stupid digital number. But while my lack of desire to know my weight has led to me feeling better about myself, it has also led me to gaining weight... (I can see it in the mirror, in my thighs and body and my arms.) So it made me feel better, but made me feel worse... Aw fuck. If I'm going to feel terrible either way, I might as well feel bad and be losing weight than feel bad and do nothing about it!

So, today was going so great. I had an apple for breakfast, 80 cals. Went through my school day, lots of walking around the art room (we stand during my entire class- that's 90 minutes of me standing and walking and, when I'm supposed to stay in one place, be doing tiny squats so nobody but me notices) and then after school, I talked to some friends for a good hour, then hung out with my boyfriend (he had a meeting, so that hour I was talking I was also waiting for him.) Walked him home, then walked myself home, and that's a three mile trip with my 25 lbs of books/ art supplies. I got home around 4:45 and had another apple, (160 so far) because I was feeling rather famished. But then, I felt hungrier after eating the apple. So, I fucked myself over and ate a slice of this bread (50) with chocolate stuff on it (60, because there wasn't much left of it) and a handful of nuts on top (64; 174 for the whole thing. Which is a total of 334.) And then all those carbs and all that fat got into my bloodstream, making me crave more. I wanted to eat a bowl of cerial, but I stopped myself and waited until dinner, which was grilled pork chops, mashed potatoes, broccoli, and apple sauce. Which was a dinner total of 390, which leaves me at 724.

724 for an entire day? Yeah, I had already fucked myself over. But then I made it worse.

1 ice cream sandwich (140) 6 cookies (300) chocolate chips and a fun sized hereshy bar later (200)...

I have ROYALLY fucked myself over.

Fuck me....

I wish that Blogger had an app.

Seriously. My life would be so much easier.

Anyway... I'm a fatty. Entering a Halloween weight loss contest though.
http://skeletonstrong.blogspot.com/p/halloween-weight-loss-contest.html

And also trying to get skinny for 11-11-11. One date that occurs once every 1,000 years... If I don't look fab, I'll know that I fucked up the once-in-1,000-year opportunity.

CBMI- 20.7 (fucking gross)
GBMI1- 20 by Octover 4th
GBMI2- 19.5 by October 10th
We'll see if I can do that much...