Blah

Been losing really quickly... Made me pretty happy this morning, even though instill feel really fat. Sigh. I hate how I replace any negative emotion I feel with the word fat...

Whatever...

Anyway... Um... I should update more ahahaha. Would anybody read my blog if I updated a few times a week?

Follow my Tumblr! Bleedingdry.Tumblr.com

Sick

Oceans between us
And there's nothing that can change the way I feel
I can still taste the poison
Every fall, every breath are ways to heal

Hold on, little girl
The end is soon to come

Sick of it all, Sick of it all
We will not follow
Sick of it all, Sick of it all
They don't understand how
Sick we are, Sick we are
Of this bottomless pit of lies
Behind closed eyes

Someday you'll know the feeling
Someday i will break through
And nothing you tell yourself
Will save us from the truth
Screaming out

Cutting

I miss it I want it I need it.
Can't have it can't have it can't have it.
Missitwantitneedit.
Canthaveitcanthaveitcantcantcant.

Uugh.

I hate insomnia. I always get really depressed at night when everyone's asleep but me. Just reminds me if what a freak I am and how alone I am.

Diediediediediediediedie why can't I please just die?

If anyone knows an awesome way for me to hurt myself that doesn't leave a mark (therapist/ doctors are up my arse all the time)don't feel bad about telling me... It'd really really help me right now.

Posted the same thing on the A/M C but idk what else to say. I'm so fucking lonely and sad right now. I just want to cry and cry and cry but I never, ever can, so now I really needneedneed something that'll make me hurt bad... I need to fucking forget my anxiety/ sadness and feel something else PLEASE! oh god! Please...

Yom Kippur fast

Definatley not my first fast, just dobbins of you people are disillusioned. I fasted the entire summer, too, on only water, for 3-5 days twice a month or more. I also went vegan/ raw foods/ vegetarian for weeks at a time. I got pretty skinny. But the actual fasting really hurt so whenever I broke a fast I got really sick, and now I don't really like fasting as much. The Boy agrees, ge thinks I seem really miserable when I fast. The thing is, I'd feel miserable but I'd also feel skinny... I felt so perfect! It healed me for a long time... I had good body image for the first time in a decade, and I ate healthily/ normal amounts when I was not fasting.

But anyway, it's Yom Kippur now, and since my father's side of the family is Jewish, my dad asked me to fast with him. I was, at first, really excited to fast again. But then I got upset because I've only been eating an apple, a serving of veggies, a serving of protien, and coffee for the past week or so, and I can't drink my damn coffee when I'm fasting. (Right now, caffiene withdrawal, it is really sucking.) But I have to remind myself that it's for my religion... It's for forgiveness... And it's only until m dad's birthday party tonight at Sundown. So yeah, I can live 24 hours with food. It's really only 100 calories that I'm used to having that I cant have today, since apple=breakfast and coffee= lunch. So I shouldn't be too upset... Idk why, but I feel mad about it... Eh whatever...

Is anybody else experienced in fasting/ Jewish? :)

Good day/ bad day

Yesterday was so awesome. I burned so much because I stayed up all night drawing and standing and drinking black coffee. Sigh. So today, to reward myself for doing so well the last few days, I had an eat whatever I want day. Today was dreadful. I had a banana (usually it's an apple but whtv) and my mother's home cooked dinner as usual, but then I also had a Greek yogurt, a brownie, two cupcakes, and a slice of home made pumpkin bread. And a bowl of high calorie cereal with real milk since we are out of almond breeze. It was terrible. But my excuse was that I needed the energy, which I did since I pulled another all nighter because my friends were being assy and they came over at 9 pm and didn't leave until 3 am ~_~ Sigh.

Well I'm tired. Night.

26 lbs in 26 days challenge.

Actually, I have no idea how much I weigh right now. If I’m still underneath the 5 lb mark, it’s 22 lbs in 26 days. But if it’s above the 5 lb mark… Like my last digit in my weight is 6-9, I’ll aim for the 26.

Why, you ask?

Because I met this skinny bitch who’s a year younger than me and therefore in the grade below, and she flirts with my damn boyfriend. He’s mine you bitch.

My friend asked her how tall she is, and she’s like 1/2 an inch smaller than me. But she weighs 20+ LBS lighter!! What the fuck?! Her BMI is frikkin 17 which has ALWAYS BEEN MY GOAL BMI UUGH!!! And she’s pretty! She has short hair that she dyes, like me, except hers is shorter and dyed more.

I feel so fat and stupid next to her. And I also feel really protective of my man. Even if he assures me that he doesn’t like her. Pisses. Me. Off. I want her to un-meet all of my friends.

But the thing is, she’s a lot of fun. Everyone loves her.
So, she’s like me, but better. But perfect.

And that is why I’m doing the 26 in 26 challenge! I guess I’ll either just restrict and do cardio, or I’ll do the ABCD. I hate the ABCD though. Oh well

Good day yesterday

So that was my intake/ calories burned for yesterday. I walked for five hours! I'm happy lol. Oh, and it was fun yesterday because I got a bunch of really pretty hair clips. They're longer than my own hair is, but they still look awesome. Feathers and roses :) I got feather earrings too. Maybe I'll upload a pic and show you people.

Today, it's only 11:25 am but I haven't eaten anything. My dad's taking my family and I on a walk today, though, and it sounds like we'll be active all day long, so anything I do end up consuming I'll hopefully burn off!