I remember how miserable I was when I finally got my BMI to 18 8 months ago. I was so depressed and I was cutting and I was making life hard for myself and everyone around me. It sucked and I was unhappy and I do not want to go back to that. I was also like LEGIT insane. The stuff I wrote was utterly nuts.
I told my BF about how I've been eating only 300 cal a day and he didn't respond. I'm so scared. He's sleeping now but. Um... Anyway.
So after going all day on 0 calories, and eating donna and ring a good golden girl and eating no more than 280 cals today, I read my old diary, which I just told you about, and I ate as much as I sensibly could over the course of three/ four hours. Small portions of calorie dense food. I'm now up to about 900-1000 for my intake today... And I feel bad but better at the same time... Sigh.
It's just so hard to know what's right and what's wrong. This is like the fith time I relapsed. I use my ED as an emotion dimmer so I don't get upset and it's really easy for me to go from feeling nothing to feeling happy... Even if the happiness is short lived. It makes me feel like I'm doing something right for once, somehow, despite that I know how very wrong it is.
I don't know... I'm just rambling now.
It's so depressing, my writing. I'll upload some photos now of my diary... It's seriously messed up.
x- bottomfeeder
Edit:
Emma- I love you. You're always there, responding to my blog entries no matter how whiny I am. Thanks for caring.. :')
Journals, diaries, notebooks -I've got tons. When I first fell into all this, thankfully, I never wrote. There is this huge gap in time in my journal. But now I write all the time. Everything. And it's not pretty. I love your posts ^.^ And I really do care <3 So take care, and keep posting. *finishes off my imaginary hot chocolate* ^.^ <3
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