I write notes to myself sometimes in algebra when I'm bored and thinking too much.
Today, I was analysing my ways of thinking. Analysing my ED and my self harm. Tell me I'm not the only one who thinks these things:
Those of us who claim that all of this self-loathing is for being thin and beautiful are just trying to come up with a reason that won't hurt to think about. For once, it's not "I deserve to starve" or "I deserve to bleed" but "I just want to be beautiful." it makes us feel better than "I deserve to die."
We just want someone, anyone, to love us and tell us that we're worth it, we aren't useless, we aren't failures.
Instead, we are disappointmens to everyone, especially those we love the most.
We make them worry and cry, and so they scream at us. How could we do this to them? How dare you do this to me, after I took care of you and tried to help you for so long.
So they scream, and we take it.
We take it,
we take the sounds of their pain that we caused, and press it hard into our skin. We press and hold it in a death grip, until we shrink or bleed or both, and, hopefully, some day, we'll disappear, and all the hurt we caused will disappear along with us.
"I just want to be beautiful." it makes us feel better than "I deserve to die."
ReplyDeleteThis is amazing and sums it up SO well.
I agree with Kim, not only does that line make us feel better, but also, at least for myself, I DO just want to be beautiful, but I don't think I deserve to die. I love life, I just hate myself. There's a fine line, but it's definitely there, at least in my case.
ReplyDeleteGlad to see you posting again <3 xo Hope you're doing well!
Thank GOD I am not the only one who is analytical of all of this... It's become a bit of a secret obsession of mine. Trying to understand this. How does this happen, why is it happening to me, how did these thoughts grow in my mind...
ReplyDelete'We press and hold it in a death grip, until we shrink or bleed or both, and,hopefully, someday, we'll disappear, and all the hurt we caused will disappear along with us'
so fucking true.
love always
xo
I'm with Leigha on this one. I don't want to die; I love life with all my heart, but I hate my body and how I am. I'm willing to hurt, to cry, to bleed for a better body. Die? I'm no where close to dying because of weight.
ReplyDeleteI think about this stuff a lot too. I'm glad I'm not alone :)
-Emma