My ramblings during algebra II

I write notes to myself sometimes in algebra when I'm bored and thinking too much.

Today, I was analysing my ways of thinking. Analysing my ED and my self harm. Tell me I'm not the only one who thinks these things:

Those of us who claim that all of this self-loathing is for being thin and beautiful are just trying to come up with a reason that won't hurt to think about. For once, it's not "I deserve to starve" or "I deserve to bleed" but "I just want to be beautiful." it makes us feel better than "I deserve to die."
We just want someone, anyone, to love us and tell us that we're worth it, we aren't useless, we aren't failures.
Instead, we are disappointmens to everyone, especially those we love the most.
We make them worry and cry, and so they scream at us. How could we do this to them? How dare you do this to me, after I took care of you and tried to help you for so long.
So they scream, and we take it.
We take it,
we take the sounds of their pain that we caused, and press it hard into our skin. We press and hold it in a death grip, until we shrink or bleed or both, and, hopefully, some day, we'll disappear, and all the hurt we caused will disappear along with us.

Today is his birthday

Well, today is my boyfriend's birthday. He's away for the weekend, though, camping with the boyscouts. Uuuggh. But he turns 17 today so, wish him a happy birthday, people!! I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Or am I?

Lol sorry for the random. I'm really tired. Went to bed at like 4 am (I was baking some yummy dark chocolate chip cookies!) and my dad woke me up at 7:45 eew. It's about 8:10 now, and I'm probably going to go for a walk soon. I've recently been walking for at least an hour, just weakly up and down the streets around my house. I creeped out the one neighbour who saw me walk past their house like 20 times but oh well. I guess I should actually go somewhere so I don't have neighbors complaining to my parents cause I kinda don't want them to know. I can burn 500 calories per hour when I walk with a backpack on :)

Anyway. I've been doing pretty good food-wise. Idk if I've lost weight cause I didn't wanna weigh myself the last few days but I think I might look a bit slimmer? (I probably gained weight lol how awkward is that.) But I've been having less than 400 calories and then walking enough to burn an extra 600 (I walk for more than an hour <3 ) so yay~ TMI: I haven't pooped in three days though and uugggh I hate weighing myself if I haven't gone #2 because it adds fake weight to the scale so it could look like you've gained 1 lb when really you haven't! Bleh.

I'm going to go to the fabric store today and buy a pattern to make something cool for my boyfriend :) I'm excited to be sewing again :D

So anyway, you two deserve a response, Leigha and Emma :)

Emma: Thank you for always being there to comment on my posts <3 I feel so loved by you, you help me through the day sometimes when I see that I have one new comment from my lovely Emma :)

Leigha: <3 Hello! Eating healthy never ends well for anyone with an ED, as far as I know, so we aren't freaks at least, in that sense... And yeah, Anafly is SUCH a talented writer. You should totally follow her because her posts are really worthwhile. If you related to that one, you'll love her as much as I do :)

Well. I think I'm going to clean the dishes from the cookies from last night, then shower and go for a walk. And then go to the fabric store with my mom, if she's up for it... Idk, she got an infection in her tooth and her face has swollen up painfully so she might not want to go out today... I wouldn't be mad, I totally understand. I wouldn't honour with MY face swollen. She needs a root canal. Poor mommy <\3

I hope you all have a wonderful day today!

Anafly's "You'll Never Know"

Eating disorders are diseases of silence. We are all silently screaming for something: attention, love, help, escape or forgiveness. Although we might be looking to fill different voids, we never ask for the things we need. We feel unworthy, that for some reason we don't deserve them. So, we play the game of guess what I need from you. You're inability to guess just feeds our feelings of worthlessness.
When you finally realise there is a problem, it is much too late. We will now fight, lie, and cheat to hold on to the one thing that has given us support. You see the symptoms, weight loss, weight gain, or depression. You watch us starve, eat, purge, and isolate. You tell us to eat or not eat, to sleep or to get up and do something, you can't understand why we can't just get better.
If it were only that easy! Some of us have been living with this, like this, for half our lives or more. We honestly believe it is the thing holding us together. Even when all others see it as the thing that's making us crumble to pieces. It is not just a part of us, but it has become us. It is our identity and who are we without it? Many of us are afraid to find out. Fearing without it we are nothing.
It becomes our sole companion. It is the thing that makes us strong, so that we don't need, don't want and don't feel. It is our cape of invisibility. With it on you can not see us, you can not see our pain and shame, we begin to disappear. Slowly at first and then before you know it we are gone. Lost in a world of pain. Always fighting for control that we never seem to get.
In the beginning the control is easy and the high from it incredible. I can not eat for 4 days, I can exercise for 4 hours a day, or I can throw up everything I eat. I am in control. But somewhere along the road we lose that control and the eating disorder takes on a life of its own. We no longer control it. It controls us. We wake in the morning hearing it's voice and can't sleep at night because that voice is too loud.
We stop listening to anybody except our eating disorder. We believe we are fat, useless, unworthy, unlovable, and weak. We honestly believe that losing weight will on some level make things better. We wake up with thoughts of food; they consume us all day long, and often cause sleepless nights. It becomes all that matters. We listen to the voices that constantly tell us we are not good enough, thin enough, strong enough, a little more and then we can stop. But there's always a little more and it doesn't stop.
You may see us hurting ourselves and not understand; we do not really understand either. We know we must lose weight. We know we must punish ourselves when we feel guilt and shame. We use laxatives, exercise, sleep deprivation, and self-mutilation to take away the pain. Many of us get to the point where the pain is too much and the road so long, we decide it is just not worth it. Since we have no worth, the world will not miss us. If we could just disappear, the pain would go away and we would no longer hurt others with our problems.
Death becomes a way out. Can't live forever with an eating disorder, can't live without it. It becomes the question we will ponder for many, many years before having a definitive answer. Do I want to live? Why? Our reasons not to live may seem mundane to someone without an eating disorder. You can not feel our emptiness or understand our loneliness. We can't share this world of silence we have made for ourselves. It is the thing that may have saved us in the past and might kill us in the future.
You look at the consequence and can't imagine why we would do this to ourselves. We are losing our hair, rotting out our teeth, bleeding when we throw up or even just brush our teeth, dizzy, tired, dehydrated, malnourished, and mentally unstable. And at some point these things do scare us. The first time throwing up blood, passing out cold or being admitted is an eye-opening experience, but not usually enough to stop the behavior. Some of us might even see these consequences as reinforcement that we are succeeding at something. Look, I'm really good at being eating disordered!
To give that up would be giving up a piece of us that we aren't sure we can live without. It is with us in the morning, telling us to get on the scale for the first test of the day. Even if the number is down it's never good enough. Then taking a shower where we close are eyes because the sight of ourselves is so disturbing. Next is finding something to wear. This can take hours because nothing fits right and everything feels tight. After all of this it's time for breakfast? No way we can eat after that disappointing morning.
The day goes on in the same manor. Nothing is good enough, nothing quite right. So we push our selves to eat less, run faster, dance longer, whatever we are doing we must be the best. Then comes night, where the distractions of the day aren't there to drown out the voices. Sleep is difficult when thoughts of hopelessness, self-hate, failures and suicide ruminate for hours. So instead of trying to sleep many of us spend endless hours on our computers, exercising, reading, cleaning, anything to avoid sleeping. We eventually sleep usually for just a few short hours, and then the cycle begins again. Only now we have to beat the day before, weigh less, eat less, do more. By our side our faithful coach and partner filling our heads with criticism, demands and insults.
Although we say we hate the voices and the disorder. We don't hate it all. We love the high of seeing the number go down. We long for that empty, numb feeling that comes with starvation. We thrive on what begins as compliments and turns to worry about our weigh loss.The disorder is the thing that makes us feel strong and special, while at the same time letting us disappear and run away from life.
We will say we don't want your help. Sometimes because we are in denial and actually believe things are fine, sometimes we feel guilty receiving help, because we feel unworthy, and sometimes it has just gone on so long that we have given up hope and accepted that "I will live with this until it kills me".
When we say we don't want your help, those are the times we need it the most. We need you to stand up for us when we can barely stand, love us when we hate ourselves, hold our hope when we feel hopeless, and never give up on us, the way we give up ourselves.
We will push you away. We will make you angry with us. We will tell you we don't need you and to leave us alone. We will throw temper tantrums and even throw food. We will close up and lock you out. We will blow off important appointments. We will do the things we've been told we can't, exercise, chew gum, drink Diet Coke,we will push every limit. We do not do these things to hurt you; we are just scared and feel threatened. You want us to give up something we can't imagine living without.

-The Anafly; theanaflyyy.Blogspot.com

Well, that was short lived.

Uhh... I gained so much weight from eating "normally." I feel better but I am so fat that it cancells out how happy I am with how hideous I feel/ look.

Idk what to do any more.

I really want to attempt eating normally. So. Idk. I guess I'm starting today. I had half an apple for breakfast and 100 calories of chocolate my friend gave me. I might buy soup at lunch or something. Maybe. Or I'll panic and not do it. 130 so far, it's 12:27. I ate 1,000 yesterday because I ate more after my post. I'm trying, I really am. I'm so scared of being miserable and crazy again. I don't wanna go back to that. :(

Edit:
I had nothing for lunch, but I got home around 5:30 and ate some peanut butter on the ther half of my apple, another small apple, cereal with 2% milk, and peanut butter on 3 ritz crackers topped with cranberries and honey. Black coffee and two cups of water to wash it all down. Total: guessing around 550? Plus breakfast, it'd be 670. I'm okay with that, except it still hasn't digested and it's 7:10 and my mom wants me to eat dinner. I want to eat dinner, but not quite yet. I'd much rather wait another hour... My tummy is really full...

Found my old diary...

I remember how miserable I was when I finally got my BMI to 18 8 months ago. I was so depressed and I was cutting and I was making life hard for myself and everyone around me. It sucked and I was unhappy and I do not want to go back to that. I was also like LEGIT insane. The stuff I wrote was utterly nuts.

I told my BF about how I've been eating only 300 cal a day and he didn't respond. I'm so scared. He's sleeping now but. Um... Anyway.

So after going all day on 0 calories, and eating donna and ring a good golden girl and eating no more than 280 cals today, I read my old diary, which I just told you about, and I ate as much as I sensibly could over the course of three/ four hours. Small portions of calorie dense food. I'm now up to about 900-1000 for my intake today... And I feel bad but better at the same time... Sigh.

It's just so hard to know what's right and what's wrong. This is like the fith time I relapsed. I use my ED as an emotion dimmer so I don't get upset and it's really easy for me to go from feeling nothing to feeling happy... Even if the happiness is short lived. It makes me feel like I'm doing something right for once, somehow, despite that I know how very wrong it is.

I don't know... I'm just rambling now.

It's so depressing, my writing. I'll upload some photos now of my diary... It's seriously messed up.

x- bottomfeeder

Edit:
Emma- I love you. You're always there, responding to my blog entries no matter how whiny I am. Thanks for caring.. :')

Fucking water

I can lose and gain the same 6 lbs in the course of 5 days and 2 days. If I drink only 5 glasses of water for one stinking day it all comes back but it takes a week to lose it again.

Joined Calorie Count. Not telling them that I'm not healthy, since they all told me to eat 2,200 to maintain and 1,500 minimum to lose. What the hell... I can't even eat 900 without getting the worst stomach cramps...

Blargh. What's new with you guys?